Forgiving Neji Hyuuga
by DeltaBlairLines
Summary: Tenten is angry. She's so so angry, the kind of anger that burns like lava in your chest from the moment you wake up till the minute you fall asleep, the kind that just won't go away. Neji is gone and she doesn't know what to do.


"Neji….why did you leave me? I'll never forgive you."

* * *

Tenten is angry. She's so so _angry,_ the kind of anger that burns like lava in your chest from the moment you wake up till the minute you fall asleep, the kind that just won't go away.

Because Neji shouldn't have had to die so young. Because dying for the main branch was everything he had worked so hard to outgrow. Because Hinata and Naruto wouldn't have done the same for him. Because his father had wanted a better fate for him. Because he was dealt such terrible cards in life and still turned himself into a good man. Because she'll be older than him soon. Because she saw the innocence in Hanabi's eyes die as Hinata returned alone. Because because _because_.

There are a million reasons why Tenten is angry, and she cannot even begin to face one of them.

She hides it cleverly. She still smiles brightly every morning when she goes on her jog. She laughs at Lee's jokes. She still hangs out with the girls when they can afford the time. Those are the easy moments.

The difficult ones are when Ino cried into her shoulder (because no one else of their generation really knew what it was like to lose someone so dear to you). They are when she spars with Lee (it's still unnatural to ready her scrolls and be met with a determined bowl cut instead of a fond smile and a curt nod). They are when she sees Hinata stand next to Neji's grave with flowers (and Tenten feels an unwelcome spike of blame). They are when she sees _Hiashi_ in town.

_It should've been you_, she can't help but think. _It should've been __you_. _It was never supposed to be him._

It is this anger she takes with her when she hears the news one day and in a blind rage storms to the Hyuuga compound. It has only been a few months since the war ended, and the wound is ripped open again, fresh and raw and bleeding. The building she couldn't bear to see now becomes her only objective as she blazes across town and throws open the doors faster than anyone can stop her. The look in her eyes is feral when she finds the nearest Hyuuga and presses a kunai to their throat, hissing "Take me to Hiashi."

It is this anger that urges her to throw herself on the shocked elder, ripping him off the child before he has the chance to touch him, screaming curses and accusations. Hiashi takes every one with resignation. There is an emptiness in his chest, too. It is that emptiness that leaves one room of the compound unoccupied and maintained, waiting for an owner who will never return.

The branch family child scrambles back as more Hyuuga pry Tenten off the clan head. She is still howling with fury when she locks eyes with Hinata in the corner. The younger of the two casts her eyes down. Tenten can't stand the sight of her. Her features twist in the hatred she believed wasn't deserved. Until now.

(Hinata knows the words that are coming. She doesn't want this either. But the elders are so stuck in their ways, scrambling for some familiarity in these turbulent times, unwilling to listen to her most fervent requests, and she is still grieving too, and it was either her here or Hanabi. She wishes there was an out to all of this. The words stab deeper than any blade when they hit.)

"How could you? You promised! You promised him! _He would hate you!_"

Her vision goes black after that. She wakes up in a hospital bed flanked by Lee and Gai. Sakura tries to look sympathetic, but Tenten can't stomach the pity. The trio are uncharacteristically silent. Nobody mentions the red bandages on Lee's hands or the picture Gai is holding to his chest. They all just walk to the graveyard together and stand. Neji always liked the quiet.

The ban on the caged bird seal is implemented later that week.

* * *

She is still angry, but the two years have added restlessness to her repertoire. Konoha has recovered from war. She has not. She can't be surrounded by the smiling faces of newlyweds any longer. Not when she can't (won't let herself) move on. Not when she feels like they shouldn't _get _to move on so soon. She leaves for Suna on account of 'weapons research.' Not before one last visit, though.

Tenten holds her anemones a little longer than usual before settling them down. There aren't any sunflowers. She guesses Hinata must be busy nowadays, with the baby on the way. She sits down this time. She rubs a calloused finger against the grooves of his name.  
"Ino has started to expect me on Thursdays. Isn't that funny? Or is it pathetic? I don't really know. I don't know a lot of things lately. I really wish you were here to help me. You were never one to hold back on your opinion, eh Neji?"  
Silence. Not even a little breeze to make her feel better. The tears are on her cheeks before she can stop them, and she stubbornly brushes them away before they can fall.  
"Why did you leave me here, all alone? Things have gotten better. We were supposed to get better together. All of us. But instead, you went ahead and….."  
Nothing again. She grits her teeth.  
"This is stupid. I bet you're not even listening. Why would you concern yourself with my problems when you're probably happy being free? And here I am, selfishly wishing for you to return just to suffer again. I'm sorry I can't move on or let go. I'm sorry I'm running away to Suna. I'm sorry. I just…." She squeezes her eyes shut again.  
"I just can't forgive you yet."

The trek to Suna is long and difficult. At least she doesn't get any news from Konoha. She spends a couple months in the dry desert. When his birthday rolls around and Tenten finds herself staring blankly into the sky, it is Temari who holds her and keeps her away from prying eyes and questions. She isn't Neji, but she's quiet and comforting, and if Tenten closes her eyes tight enough, she can almost imagine that the hands rubbing circles into her back are his.

Word arrives through a message to the Kazekage. Gaara mentions lightly over dinner how Hinata has delivered a healthy baby boy, the spitting image of his father. Sasuke even stopped by the village to congratulate the new parents.

The dark and bitter portion of her heart peppers her mind with venomous whispers.

_So the traitor gets to live. After everything he did.  
__A new generation rises. What do they know of war? Loss?  
__A nephew he'll never get to meet.  
__If this were just a few years ago, both Hinata and the boy would receive the curse seal. Does she even think about that?_

She swallows them down with another bite of food and asks the messenger to send her regards. Her smile is just wide enough that everyone believes her. Relief pulls Temari's lips into a smile, and Tenten feels like the worst imposter.

_Who's really the traitor?_

* * *

Anger. Restlessness. Emptiness.

The five year anniversary approaches. Though there have been rough patches and happy ones, lately Tenten feels as if this static sort of okay-ness may be her final stage. While her friends' homes begin to fill with children and families, her shinobi apartment remains as empty and utilitarian as ever. She supposes it's fitting. She has felt hollowed out for a while now. Just as bare and empty as her house.

There is only one place for an empty shinobi.

Her ANBU mask is impersonal and animalistic, which is exactly how she carries out her missions. She sees the worry on her friends' faces when she reveals the news, but also relief. Relief that she is finally doing something, finally moving forward, finally changing. They don't know that it's all just a way to put her stagnation to use.

In her quiet efficiency, she sees a glimmer of his influence. Even through all her advanced training, she calls upon his guidance from years and years ago to remember how to hide her chakra signature just right or to move without so much as a whisper through the trees. Hyuuga techniques that he technically wasn't supposed to teach her, but ones so minor they figured it couldn't hurt anybody. There was a time when they dreamed of joining the ANBU together. All three of them. Back before 'all three' became a dream in itself.

It's easy to don different masks and identities on infiltration missions because it's been a long time since Tenten knew exactly who she was. Although Neji was a big part of it, the war as a whole took a lot from her. It's easier this way, though. As ANBU, she doesn't have to pretend that those horrors don't exist anymore or that they don't haunt her. She deals with them every day.

Another baby is born to the Uzumaki household. A baby girl this time, a chubby little cheerful thing with hair like her mother. Tenten has just returned from a weeks-long mission when she finally gets to see her. Hinata offers to let her hold the child. They have long since forgiven each other. As much as they can, anyways. But Tenten's hands are calloused from the life Hinata no longer lives, burdened with things from the war, from her job. They are hands that, hours ago, were splattered with blood. They are not the kinds of things you touch a child with.

And besides, she can't bring herself to look at Himawari for too long. In the moonlight of her first night back in Konoha, her tiny blue eyes glint silver and her soft black hair reminds her too much of a different Hyuuga. When the baby grasps her thumb, she feels dirty. She shouldn't be pushing a dead man's face onto something so new and pure.

"She likes you," Hinata laughs softly. "This is Auntie Tenten! Say hi!" The baby babbles happy nonsense in reply. For the first time in a while, a real smile creeps up on the kunoichi's face.  
"Hi," she whispers. She tucks her mask under her arm. Lavender eyes drift to it.  
"You must be tired. Are you sure you don't want to stay for a bit? I can find something to eat."  
"No, you go and rest. You just birthed a child. I think I'll clear my head for a bit before turning in."  
Hinata nods gratefully before going back inside.

Tenten's feet drift naturally to the place she's been thinking of since leaving. From her kunai pouch, she procures some herbs.  
"Hey," she begins hesitantly. "It's been a while, huh?" Her rough fingers place the leaves on the patch of grass before her and pat them.  
"These are from the water country. Apparently, they make some great tea. Sorry I couldn't bring you flowers. It's a little late."  
Crickets fill the silence between them. Their hopeful song rises through the night.

"I think...I think it's starting to get better. Maybe ANBU isn't the best coping mechanism, but it's something to do. I'm good at it too, you know. I stay safe, so don't stress about that either," she laughs. "I'm the weapons specialist. Even when I was a regular jonin, I was called in for expertise on some ANBU missions. This just felt like the right progression of things. 'Better than we were yesterday,' right?"

She knows better than to wait for a response now. Instead, she lies down next to him. The grass is damp and cool in the night. She taps her mask against the stone rhythmically in a way she's sure would annoy him. A little smile bubbles to the surface.

"It doesn't hurt as much now. A lot of things have changed. Lee is gonna be a sensei. Just like Gai sensei, huh? Speaking of which, he's really adapting to the wheelchair. Nothing can stop him and his green jumpsuits. Heh. Mirai is growing up fast. She's a real cutie. Kiba and Shino are surprisingly good uncles. Hinata has two kids now. Your nephew and niece. They're a loving family, so don't you worry your pretty little head up there. Hanabi is really coming into her own. She's gonna be a good clan head one day. Hiashi's mellowed out, too. Everyone….everyone is going to be okay. I'm going to be okay."

She lets her tears fall into the ground. No one's around to see her, anyways. Through them, though, she manages a watery grin that's the closest she's gotten to her old smile in a long time.  
"I'm doing it, Neji. Are you proud of me?" And it's impossible, but she swears she feels the grass sink next to her. The swishing of the grass in the wind sounds a lot like his laugh. A new batch of tears leak out before the wind picks up and pushes them away.

It's another hour before she brushes herself off and stands. Her fingers thumb one of the letters before she leans down and places a kiss on the cold stone.  
"Thank you."  
She dreams of him that night. It is brief, and she's unsure whether it's a dream or a memory when she wakes up, but the few ethereal seconds of his embrace gives her hope.

Tenten begins work on some blueprints.

* * *

She places white tulips down with her old mask. She still needs it, should they ever call her to assist on a mission, but she wants it to belong to him for a few moments. The flowers, though, are all his.

"Do you remember? When we were genin, we passed by the flower shop. I told you the white tulips reminded me of your eyes. You told me not to be ridiculous, but I think you enjoyed it." She sits down next to him. In her hands are the finished blueprints of her shop. Lee was ecstatic about it the entire way through, helping her with every little aspect. All of her friends even took time from their busy schedules to throw a congratulatory dinner for her. Things truly were so much better than before.

"I actually did it. I'm gonna own my own weapon's shop, Neji. Just like I dreamed when we were kids. It took me a while but...I did it." She traces the edges of Konoha's symbol with a bright grin.  
"I'm a lot better now. It still hurts. It's always going to hurt. But I can go through my day without seeing you everywhere. I don't think about joining you anymore. I know you'd want me to enjoy my time. Relish in my 'springtime of youth,'" she giggles. "Though there were a few missions where I really thought I'd be seeing you soon. Made it out, though!"

She breathes for a few minutes, simply enjoying his company. Throughout the past few years in ANBU, she's had enough run ins with spirits to know that he's watching her, whether she can sense him or not. She's learned to notice the signs, too. A shifting leaf to show her where the enemy is, the way her tea stays hot for a little longer than it should, the way her hair tumbles out of her buns when she falls asleep with them in after a particularly exhausting mission.

"Wait, for me, though, okay? When I go over, I want to see you first. I promise I'll take my time, if you promise to be there when my time is up. Alright?" She opens her eyes to see a flock of birds in the sky. One falls back a little, hovering just over her position before rejoining the group. Tenten smiles.  
"I'll fly with you too, one day. Just wait up. I'll be stronger than I am today, and we'll have so much to talk about."

"Auntie Tenten!" a high voice shouts. She rises from her crouch.  
"Hey there, angel!" Tenten scoops Himawari up into a hug as the child giggles and shrieks. "Here to see Uncle Neji?"  
"Yeah! Well, kind of. I already saw him this morning." She tilts her head at the little girl.  
"This morning?"  
"Mhm! There's this birdie that sings at my window every morning! He told me that he's Uncle Neji." Himawari beams at her, and Tenten can only grin back in response. She casts a sidelong look at the grave next to her.  
"Well, isn't he clever. Where's your mom?"  
"Oh...uh…" Her face scrunches up in confusion. She looks around. "I was just with her…"  
"Well, we oughta find her. Here, I'll walk with you." Tenten casts one last fond look at the tulips and picks her mask back up.  
"Ooh! Can I please wear your mask?" Himawari begs. She sighs.  
"I guess, but don't go around telling people I let you do that, okay?"  
"Okay!"

As the two trot off to find Hinata, Neji can't help but smile warmly at his girls. He may not be able to talk to them himself, but he found ways around it. And as long as they are happy…  
He touches the petals of the white tulips gently. They are soft and pure, nothing like the bright marigolds, anemones, and rosemary of the past. Years of learning various codes tells him exactly what Tenten was trying to tell him.

"Thank you, Tenten. I look forward to the day we can fly together."

* * *

Anemones- forsaken  
Marigolds- despair and grief over loss  
Rosemary- remembrance  
White tulips- forgiveness

I wrote this in one go from like midnight to 2am. I just have a lot of feelings about Team Gai and Neji and Nejiten and Kishimoto just didn't deliver on the kind of angst/comfort I needed so here we go. You're welcome.


End file.
